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                        Q&A: Astronauts reveal they ‘really just needed to get off this planet’

                        Satire by

                        The Occasionally sat down with veteran astronauts Bob Behnken and Doug Hurley, who as of yesterday were flying a brand-new spacecraft to the world’s orbiting laboratory. The interview has been shortened and summarized for the reader’s convenience.

                        The Stanford Occasionally [TSO]: For the first time since NASA retired its space shuttles in 2011, NASA has bought seats on the Crew Dragon, making both of you a part of history. How does it feel?

                        Bob Behnken [BB]: To be honest, it’s a new chapter of history, so I should feel excited, but with everything going on, it feels like there are larger challenges for humanity right now.

                        Doug Hurley [DH]: Yeah, Earth is kind of a mess right now. Between a global pandemic, protests against police brutality and the effects of climate change getting worse as a result of government inaction, I kind of just want to get away from it all.

                        TSO: But what about the people that can’t just leave?

                        BB: Yeah, tickets to these commercial spaceflights aren’t exactly going to be accessible to everyone.

                        DH: People in power on Earth really need to get their act together and start listening and empowering the most marginalized voices, but until then, space, I guess.

                        BB: Oh, and “Space Force” is on Netflix.

                        DH: Do you think it’ll be any good?

                        TSO: Honestly, who knows, but thanks for making the time to Zoom with us.

                        BB: Yeah, of course.

                        DH: I like your space Zoom background by the way.

                        Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

                        Contact Richard Coca at richcoca ‘at’ stanford.edu.

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                        Richard Coca '22 is Managing Editor of Satire for Volume 257. A dark horse and a workhorse, Richard strives towards bettering himself and having fun on the way. He understands that life is too precious to take seriously all the time. He currently plans to major in human biology and maybe minor in Twitter. Contact him at richcoca 'at' stanford.edu.



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