The Daily stands in solidarity with the Black community. Read our editors’ statement.
                        Lana Tleimat
                        Lana Tleimat '23 is Volume 257 Desk Editor of Satire. She is from Columbus, Ohio and not really studying anything. Contact her at ltleimat 'at' stanford.edu.

                        A personal account of the George Floyd protests in Columbus, Ohio

                        I have spent the weekend reading about the protests in Columbus, Ohio, and speaking with demonstrators, as well as attending a protest myself on Sunday. The following is a summary of what has happened so far as well as a personal account of what I saw.

                        Stanford runs out of Wi-Fi

                        SATIRE: The entire nation has seen a shortage of Wi-Fi since the Bay Area AT&T pipeline burst in November, pumping millions of gallons of unprocessed, low fidelity internet into the ocean. The pipeline supplied crude internet to refineries that produced 87% of the nation’s Wi-Fi. As reserves nationwide run out, the University is left scrambling to replace its supply.

                        Dow Jones plummets: ‘Somebody’ misplaced all the stocks

                        SATIRE: “Somebody lost all the stocks,” explained Associate Director of Stocks and Stock Locations Meaning Where the Stocks are Kept (SSLMWSK) Carol Shingles, eyeing Kenneth Jeffries, Vice Associate Director of SSLMWSK, with contempt. “They were right here, fifteen minutes ago, and now they’re gone. Where do you think they went, Ken?” Jeffries has declined to comment.
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